A lesser man would deny the incredible attraction Hilary's shift conjures up within his soul. He would remind himself of Hilary's gay leanings and choose to admire her from afar. I am not a lesser man.
Ever since my dear wife Gertrude passed - God bless her soul - I've been searching for a spirit that could tame the unbridled yearnings which consume me. No woman has seemed up to the task until the new Hilary Rosen came along.
"The new iPod my girlfriend gave me is a trap," Rosen writes. "Yeah, it is great looking and I really love the baby blue leather case but when, oh when, will Steve Jobs let me buy music from somewhere other than the Apple iTunes store and put it on my iPod?"
It's hard to admit in front of you all, but, as I read this passage, I focused on one thing - my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend.
Was this signal - this cry - aimed directly at me? Wasn't this line from the new Hilary Rosen saying, "I have a girlfriend now, but I've proved that I can change"? Wasn't Hilary - pictured in all her glory on this fetish site - declaring her openness to the potential of heterosexual love?
My assistant wrote this week to the Huffington Post asking for an answer to these very questions. We've yet to receive a reply. So please, new Hilary, consider this an open letter to you. I request little more than a date or at the very least a sensual podcast. I can assure that I'm the man for the job.
This is supposed to be funny. It's not. It's pathetic and
ought to be ashamed for publishing it.